My Dream

My dream is to be free from my curse.

Weird? Absolutely! Who even has a dream like that, I mean normal people would dream of becoming a   millionare, famous actor, winning a nobel prize and so on. Honestly, I couldn't be bothered by what others think of my dream, cause the dream comes from problems caused by myself.

I'm always tormenting myself, comparing myself with people, wanting to be acknowledged by people that aren't worth. When I see my fellow peers, all I can see is their shadows, after all to them, I'm just a pest, someone that has no hopes to ever surpass or at least look them in the eye and stand with them on equal ground.

Yes, when I see how well they do or how happy they are, I honestly feel…

…forsaken.

They say weakness is a choice, that hardwork brings success, that when you change, you change the world, but is that really true? Honestly, they say that just to force you into a compromise, by feeding you an eye catching lie. I'm sorry for my crooked way of seeing these things, but I'm still human, dispite my cheerful facade, I feel these things. When I look at the community of scholars in my dorm, I honestly feel that I'm the dumbest, the weakest link. Sure, my results are fine, but when comparing to them, it really is nothing more than shit. It's even scarier that my juniors are making me feel this way, but I don't blame them, in fact, they are one of the reasons I choose to endure.

They say to only compare with yourself. It makes me want to barf! In this society, results are the only thing that matter, your standing completely depend on how well you fair compared to others, they say this so that they can take away the pressure, the stress and anxiety, but I'm sure even they know that it's all a lie. I'm always told,"you are a scholar" or "this is how a scholar should perform", and especially when there is a thing called bell curve. It apparently forces you to be competitive, as you know if you only compare with yourself, others may be evolving a lot faster than your current rate of evolution.

It is even worse when they pit you against someone that is close to perfection, it really makes you feel like shit. I guess I understand how others feel, and it really does suck. When there is a role model, there are always a few that will feel left behind, that will feel that they can never reach their standards or look them in the eye. Honestly, when I signed for that scholarship, I didn't expect myself to have to be the best, and worse is that I have a major disadvantage as I've never touched their syllabus.

To be honest, I don't deserve to be a scholar, there are millions of people that deserve this more than I do, plus I always dreamt to be a normal student studying abroad, with no such things as expectation, not a need to compare, to live a life without a title, but I know that's impossible.

Well, at least there are a few things to keep me going. I'm grateful.

I know I'm selfish, dreaming to rid myself from this curse, the curse of tormenting myself, always hurting myself. To be very honest, I want to stand on equal grounds with them, but I know that's selfish and impossible. To think like that, I'm really a horrible person, horrible to the point it…

…horrifies me.